Friday, July 15, 2011

Transformers 3 and why I'm allowed to say whatever the hell I want to say


Megan Fox, where art thou?

It takes a lot of bad to make a movie practically unwatchable. Michael Bay has had a knack over the years to make the unwatchable jump out on screen. His lack of cinematic subtleness is completely overdone and - combined with his knack for never having a a single shot lasting more than a few seconds - almost mind numbing. But don't worry little kiddies, Transformers 3 is primed and ready to fit the needs of horny teenagers all around the world and give hard-ons to macho juiced car crazy dumb asses with an IQ lower than 70. There's no concrete plot here, just bitches, robots and cars. Sounds like fun? it sure isn't. Combine that with the absence of Megan Fox, the only reason that made me give that damn single star digit rating to the first two films and you got a recipe for prime Michael Bay disaster. My question is what exactly is the limit to bashing such a money hungry enterprise? Should I have even reviewed such a film or just let it go and spared the filmmakers my two cents. I mean seriously, what were the chances I'd even like this film? Then again this is a free democracy we live in and we are allowed to give our two cents about any damn thing we experience. I'm reminded of a time when Rolling Stone movie critic Peter Travers bashed Bay's very own Con Air in a review so scathing it got Bay himself to write a letter of complaint to the Rolling Stone editors. Bay wanted Travers fired and said there was a clear bias in his review. They stood by Travers and his right to say what he wanted to say. Bay lost his war to shut down an opinion (and thank the heavens for that). Bay's movie has a kind of deliberate brainwash aspect to it that can easily infuriate the most adevnturous of movie goers. Add to the fact that its a mind numbing 157 minutes and is -of course- in 3D. Then again why wouldn't it be? This being a cash cow enterprise that wants to suck every possible penny out of its customers, the 3D is just an excuse to get the extra 3 bucks from its customers. This is the kind of movie that is not art at all, it's business as usual.


Why suck it out and even write a concrete description of the plot when it all feels just so useless. Bay is probably in bed with some hoes, burning 100 dollar bills as we speak and I'm here in my laptop writing about a movie that most likely represents the end of civilization as we know it. It's a discouraging image but one that most truthfully represents the Hollywood state of mind. Movie companies are paying bloggers and writers to like this shit. They're brainwashing the mainstream to buy into a formula that has long been dead and that surely belongs in the anal of cinema. However I do believe Bay is hating the negative critical reaction that has been thrust upon him following the release of his beloved Transformers 3. One can definitely see that with his bout against Peter Travers. A Cash cow doesn't just want money but also wants to be loved. Forget about it. He might be a Box Office darling but Bay is a critics nightmare - he's a director that has made a name for himself by treating his slam bam action in such a pornographic matter that it makes his sleazy, sexist depiction of women look tame in comparison. He loves to get close ups of female asses, bright glossed lips and perky tits. He's a male perv that is talking to the subconscious of all pubescent American teenagers. They dig this stuff. It's like soft core porn to them. Me? I'd rather watch paint dry or go to a seven hour workshop on customer service than get stuck in this movie hell hole ever again.

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